BREAKING: YOU ARE NOW READING THE #39 SUBSTACK COLUMN IN THE “RISING HUMOR” CATEGORY SO ACT ACCORDINGLY:
If I knew what that meant, I’d probably be more impressed with myself. Or less.
BREAKING: AGAIN: YOU ARE ALSO NOW READING A SUBSTACK COLUMN THAT OFFICIALLY EARNS ME A COOL $1,000/ YR.:
Another 50,000 paid subscribers and we’ll be talking some real money… (but sincerely, thank you all… except you deadbeats who only get the free preview… no, that’s mean, thank you, too…) And thank you to our newest paid subscriber, Michelle! I… don’t know Michelle, and it looks like her subscription was a gift so, uh, thanks for reading, Michelle! And thanks to Michelle’s friend who gifted her a subscription!
BREAKING: AGAIN: STILL:
There is a new Josh Ritter song…
THE GOOD NEWS:
The Troy-Bilt lawnmower given to my by my good friends Alex & Lynn Sosik runs like a champ once you get her warmed up…
THE BAD NEWS:
It gave me blisters. Now, I’m not really complaining about the blisters (aside from the searing pain), I’m just curious why I used my Kobalt for about 5 years and never got any blisters and used the Troy-Bilt once and have a handful. And I have to admit, I kind of missed the smell of using a machine with a combustion engine spinning a metal blade at several hundred RPMs to fricasee my yard. Smells like… blisters…
GOOD FRIENDS REVISITED OF THE WEEK:
I’m in my 20th year of friendship with the formidable duo of Mike & Pam DelFranco. He is a fantastic doo-wop singer in several outfits up in Northern North Jersey. I’m talking Canada here. She is a multi-time national karaoke champion. She’s so good they changed the rules to make it harder for her to win, like when they outlawed the dunk when Wilt Chamberlain broke into the NBA. They came to a few gigs, sang a good bit of karaoke on Sunday, and now that Mike is retired I hope to see more of them instead of one week a year. Or… or maybe we’re such good friends because we only see each other one week a year…
SPEAKING OF WHICH…:
The Iron Rule of Rusty Nail Parking has been in full effect the last 3 weeks. I arrive early, 345-400 for our gig, I park near the free lot and wait for 15-20 minutes to see if a spot will open up, it doesn’t, so I grab the closest ParkMobile spot and zap my $9 into the ether, only to have someone immediately leave a free spot. Fortunately, I make $1,000 a year writing this column so $9 is nothing to me…
MYSTERY SOLVED OF THE WEEK:
All day Monday I felt a little off . Turns out my underwear were on inside out.
HILARIOUS OLD NAVY PRODUCT NAME OF THE WEEK:
It is completely understandable that you would call a skirt with shorts underneath it a “skort”, but every time I sell one I can’t help but think of the Swedish Chef… SKORT! SKORT! SKORT!
MOTIVATION OF THE WEEK:
I was dragging ass a little as I stepped into the Rio Grande Wawa for my daily supplies (24 oz. decaf with hazelnut, pack of smokes, 2 Propels… yes, I’m weening off soda… I even got 3 cases of Bubbli yesterday instead of sweet, delicious Coke Zero or Baja Blast) when Eye of the Tiger came on their sound system. I envy every man who wasn’t 13 years old in 1983 when the trailer for Rocky III came out and this song played and you wanted to run through a brick wall…
SPEAKING OF WHICH…:
That same morning, on my 6-minute commute from Erma to Rio Grande, I got tailgated. TWICE. Like, bro, if you’re that late to wherever you’re going at 515AM on a Wednesday, just chill the fuck out…
THE LAST PARAGRAPH ABOUT TIPPING I WILL EVER WRITE:
I single out the Sosiks because I like to needle Alex, but we have a reliable stable of amazing tippers who tip Terry & Jerry (& Dave) somewhere between adequately and exorbitantly. Wendy & Randy Redelico funded a good bit of my swingin’ lifestyle when I was a dashing young, drunk karaoke host (843 days, fyi). Sandy & Ralph Mannik often double-and-sometimes-triple-dip the ol’ tip jar. And so on. So, though it is all 100% meant in jest, I can see how it might wrankle the people that we love, so I’ll knock it off. Honestly, I could give a shit if you put 100 dollars or 10 cents in there. My default setting is to break balls. But I'd rather have friends than money.
HOMER SIMPSON “D’OH!” OF THE WEEK:
After telling you all how cool Joe’s Fish Co. is and several of you coming out to see it last Friday, we had the most miserable night of weather you could dream of… cold, windy, rainy, drizzly, chilly, damp… all that shit… on top of that, with about 30 minutes left in the gig I felt a disturbing tug in the left half of my throat that went down into my upper chest. It has since cleared, but it was disconcerting, to say the least. Anyway, Joe’s Fish really is a cool spot. Just don’t come during a monsoon. kthxbye.
THURSDAYS: Terry & Jerry @ Jersey Girl Kitchen, 530-930.
FRIDAYS: Terry & Jerry @ Joe’s Fish Co., 6-10.
SATURDAYS: Terry & Jerry @ PigDog, 1130-330.
SUNDAYS: Terry & Dave @ Rusty Nail, 5pm-9pm. SING-ALONG W/ TERRY & DAVE! ACOUSTIC + KARAOKE!
MUSIC SCHEDULE ADDENDUMS:
On Saturday 7/5, Terry & Dave will be at the Beach Shack & Rusty Nail, 5-9. Dave will also be filling in for Jerry at PigDog the following Saturday, 7/12. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER!
THE ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE UNBELIEVABLE AMAZING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK!!!:
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